pets

I mean, other than the fact that I haven’t posted since December. I’ve been thinking about that a lot.

1. My gas mileage. I just filled up last week, and got over 800 miles and 99 MPG on the last tank. I drive a 2012 Toyota Prius Plug-In. It’s ridiculous.

2. How much I love our yard, and the fact that we can finally say the front landscaping is 100% finished. Check it out.

3. On the other hand, after 3.5 years, I continue to feel the pain of buyer’s remorse.

4. That 30 Rock has finally replaced Seinfeld as my favorite TV show ever. Good god, Lemon!

5. That I feel like the co-caretaker of a small petting zoo. Five critters is too many, but they’re family now–for better or worse.

6. That it may be time to start looking for a new job. Like most career paths I’ve tried during my professional life, I’ve discovered working in higher ed isn’t as glamorous as I originally thought–especially not at a community college. There’s a lot of truth in the way community college is portrayed in Community, but it’s like a gazillion times sexier on TV than it is in real life. And the drama! Dear god, the drama.

7. Moving to the coast.

Any questions?

8. That my life is, for all intents and purposes, half over–but in a good way.

9. How exhausting it is to be an introvert in a world where extroversion is prized and expected.

10. How it mostly sucks to be a big person, except for the alcohol.

11. That literally almost every person I see anymore is glued to their smartphone, and that I’m expected to watch out for them. Walking, cycling, driving–doesn’t matter. No one watches where they’re going, and no one makes eye contact. It’s just sad. And how the hell can anyone see that tiny screen without reading glasses?

12. Todos en español. After five terms, I should hope so.

13. That I really need to re-focus on the good and wonderful things about this world and the people living in it. Because damn.

If, like me, you’re a student of Abraham and the Law of Attraction, the following will make a lot of sense.

Yesterday was not a good day. Sometimes the smallest thing sets me off. More often it’s the combination of the smallest thing coupled with perimenopausal hormone levels. Then, because the Law of Attraction is a real thing (like gravity) and is in effect every day all the time, most times things just deteriorate from there–unless I’m able to reroute my attitude, which doesn’t often happen.

The thing that set me off yesterday was a trip to our local Safeway for my favorite yogurt and discovering they apparently no longer carry it.

Let me be clear that this kind of thing inexplicably happens to me with disturbing and irritating frequency. This leads me to believe I either have really bad taste or I belong to a very small, elite minority with such highly evolved taste that the rest of the world simply can’t keep up.

Anyway, the AWOL yogurt was another one of those Final Straws I mentioned in an earlier post. It prompted an f*bomb-laden text to my darling husband, who is painfully aware that I don’t always respond to these types of personal challenges with my Highest and Best Self. The text said:

You know what? Fuck Abraham. Sometimes I really just want to be able to hate my fucking life without the fear of attracting more shit.

Ew, right? Right. Enter the Law of Attraction. Or, if you prefer, the very similar Threefold Law, as stated in the Wiccan Rede:

“Mind the threefold law ye should, three times bad and three times good.”

In other words, like attracts like. That which is like is drawn unto itself. As within, so without. You get the picture.

Back to the yogurt. I decided to try the Corvallis Safeway about 15 minutes away. Guess what? No Nancy’s yogurt there either. So I went to Market of Choice, and SUCCESS! All the Nancy’s yogurt flavors I could ever want and then some. Hurray for me!

[Insert thoughts of rainbows, butterflies, unicorns, playful kittens.]

At this point, I should let you know that I had brought puppy along for the ride. Remember happy dog from the other day?

I thought you might. She is cute, isn’t she? Unfortunately, she also gets carsick. But I naively thought she was over it–with good reason, as she hadn’t gotten carsick for almost a month.

Here’s where things started to get weird.

We were in the Trader Joe’s parking lot, and I was just about to go in when she barfed up copious bright pink vomit containing all manner of yard debris, including grass, plum pits (hence the bright pink hue), scilla bulbs, mulch, and a rather unhealthy amount of colorful string from the rope toy she’d been busily ripping apart for days.

“Hello, friend,” said the Universe. “This is especially for you. Thank you for your order. I am happy to comply. Please come again.”

Can you see where this is going?

Poor sad puppy. Poor grossed-out me. I cleaned up her travel crate as best I could, and we headed straight home. I then found myself following a garbage truck for the next 15 minutes.

“Hello again, friend,” said the Universe. “Aren’t I doing a good job giving you exactly what you asked for? Enjoy your drive home.”

When I got home, I realized I’d forgotten about leaving one of our two cats out on the patio in the kitty cabaña.

She, of course, had barfed up a large hairball and was meowing at the top of her lungs to be freed from the vomitorium.

“Hello, friend,” said the Universe once again. “Have you had enough? I can keep this up all day, if you like.”

I’ll wrap this up. I apologized to the pets for being the worst mom ever, fed them dinner, cleaned up the car and the patio, threw a load of vomit-splattered towels, blanket and crate pad in the laundry, and thanked the Universe for being so responsive.

Husband came home from work shortly thereafter to find me tear-streaked and sprawled on the couch in front of the stereo listening to Rush loud enough to shake the entire house in a manner akin to the classic Maxell audio tapes commercial, drinking wine straight from the bottle.

“Mind the threefold law ye should, three times bad and three times good.”

Indeed.